Bad Slug Karma

If you’ve got a weak stomach, you can stop reading right now.

Personally, I am not the squeamish sort.  My father was a biologist and taught me how to pick up snakes and catch lizards.  He taught me how to clean fish, basic taxidermy, and dragged me along to assist on his dead whale autopsies.  I kill my own spiders.

bananaslug2But this week, the fall rains returned to Oregon, and I kid you not, they have the biggest, ugliest slugs I’ve ever seen here.  I grew up in California, where they actually have a ‘state mollusk’ and believe it or not is a large yellow creature known as a banana slug.  They’re yellow.  They’re happy.  What’s not to love?

The creature crawling across my back lawn this morning is another thing entirely.  About the size and shape as a Sharpie pen (see photo).  Given my tough-girl upbringing, I decided the best thing to do was to fling it over the fence into my neighbors yard.

Big mistake.

It slurped onto my bare fingers with a vengeance.  It slimed me so bad I felt oogie.

It refused to fling.

I finally used the Sharpie pen to scrape it off my fingers into the neighboring yard, but it actually made a thump when it hit their driveway.

OMGiantSLUGI washed my hands (more than twice) and threw away the Sharpie, but I still have that oogie feeling.  I can still feel it sucking at my fingers.  Ugh.

Lesson learned: Use tongs when flinging slugs lest you get any on you.

Slug Karma is sticky. Don’t mess with it.

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Seven Fundamental Lessons I’ve Learned About Being a Writer (So Far)

FORTUNE-dreamstime_l_430619When I first started writing, my only goal was to write a novel, get an agent, and get it published. The way I figured things then, was that I’d gotten decent grades in my English classes in school, and I’d done plenty of writing in the business arena.  I had a story I wanted to tell, and by golly, I was going to write it.

But when I finished that novel, I learned that the mere act of writing wasn’t enough to make me a writer.  And as I tried to figure out why that novel wasn’t ever going to get published, I realized there were a lot more skills I needed to learn in order to become a ‘real’ writer.  Maybe if I’d had a crystal ball to tell me what I needed to do before I started, it might not have taken me so long to get published.  On the other hand, maybe someone did tell me all this stuff and I just didn’t believe it until I experienced it for myself.  So here’s the starter list of biggies:

  • Storytelling.  It’s not the same as writing; not at all. You’ve got to be able to tell a story.  There’s a pattern inherent in our evolution that readers expect in every story they hear or read.  It includes plot, rising action, characterization, choices, setting, and a conclusion that provides the reader with some sort of satisfaction or closure.
  • Research.  Get used to it, and get good at it.  Sure, they tell you to write what you know, but the chances that your life is interesting enough to read about are slim to none.  You’ve got to learn a lot more than you do to write the stories that people want to read.
  • Grammar and voice.  Oh sure; they tell you about this too, but they don’t impress upon you how important it is.  Not only do you need to understand and use the rules of grammar so that your readers are not distracted by its lack, you must do it in way that is evocative, intriguing, interesting, and reveals character beyond the mere words on the page.
  • Discipline.  It’s not enough to just put your butt in the chair and write (which is hard enough).  You must finish what you write.  And you must do it again and again and again.
  • Marketing.  You can’t get published without learning how to market your work or yourself.  Even if you went the self-publishing route, you’d have a hard time selling your book without a decent bio or blurbs for your book.  Whether you’re pitching to agents, publishers, or prospective readers, you’ve got to learn how to market your product.
  • Networking.  Sure, writing may be a solitary profession, but the more you learn about the business, the more you learn that there’s a lot you don’t know you don’t even know. Stuff that isn’t in books. Stuff that only other authors, agents, editors, and publishers more experienced than you can tell you.
  • Make friends with the folks your local post office and UPS store.  Familiarize yourself with postal regulations, packaging, and long lines, because you won’t believe how much time you spend sending stuff through the mails.  Be it queries, partials, or full fledged manuscripts and short stories.  If you finish what you write, you’ll be spending a lot of time here.   Oh, and don’t forget tracking your packages and those dang receipts.

There’s more (a LOT more), but I’d say these were the fundamental lessons I learned that nobody ever told me about when I first decided I wanted to write a novel.   Just yesterday at the Post Office, the postal lady (my pal Nancy) was telling me she wants to write a novel some day.  I wonder if she gets an employee discount on mailing.

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Local Color: Colloquialisms

127806151_47That’s right.  I collect ’em.  I don’t know how I got started, but they’re a great way to add voice and attitude to your characters or story.   I grew up in central California, a place ripe with quaint expressions.  Maybe that’s where it started.  Maybe they’re not worth a thousand words, but one well-chosen colloquialism by a character can convey a whole lot to the reader.  Here’s a few of my favorites, gathered from real people who actually used them in their speech, including a few from my childhood that I’ve never forgotten:

  • Happy as a clam at high tide
  • Gotta go shake the dew off my lilly (from the boys in third grade)
  • Rats nest
  • (Do whatever to) it like you stole it
  • Let’s not be pickin’ gnat shit out of pepper here
  • Looks like a ten dollar haircut on a ten cent head
  • Faster than grease though a goose
  • Shallow as a saucer
  • Slicker than snot
  • It’ s all gravy to me
  • Wanker   (the translation I got was a totally useless person)

The right turn of phrase (used judiciously) can be as effective as a simile or add a bit of local color to your prose.  These are a few of mine; I’ll be you’ve got some pretty interesting family and work expressions you can use, too.

 

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Two Dog Night

lightningba45848ed222The night sky over Portland was a very busy place last night.  We had a real whiz-banger of a lightning storm; my first since moving to Oregon.

When I lived in Boise, it was pretty common to have violent thunderstorms this time of year, and my Australian Shepherd, Rowan, has always been petrified by the sound of thunder.

But last night, although the lightning was nearly constant, the thunder did not shake the house quite like it did in Idaho.  Maybe it’s because of the lower altitude here, or maybe it was because the heavy rains drowned out some of the noise.  Rowan didn’t cry or tremble, but both dogs decided they would be better off on the bed. I didn’t mind.  So for a good 30-40 minutes, we snuggled up together, and watched the fireworks light up the place.

Cool.

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Destined to be a Classic: The World’s End

worldsend

The World’s End is my new favorite sci-fi movie of the year.  I love British humor and a good pub crawl as much as the next person, but I had no idea what I what to expect when I went to see this movie.

Cheesy like a high school reunion, but with aliens and killer dialog. This is a writers movie; there aren’t too many movies where the main characters argue about pronouns and the audience laughs.  I was hooked from the opening scene to the last sentence.

With better music, it could be a hit musical.

Fun, fun, fun.

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Purging the Three-letter-word Profanity

ProfanityI’m taking a class on pitches and blurbs.  It’s a good class, and it’s helping me even more than I expected.

One of the most important elements of strong pitches and blurbs is using active language, and this means ridding your vocabulary of passive verbs.  While there are plenty of passive verbs out there, my personal baddies are WAS and HAD.

This is a lesson not just for sales pitches and queries, but for manuscripts as well. When my instructor caught me up short for using passive language in my homework, I decided to check out my latest WIP, and hoo boy, am I glad I did.  My current WIP is riddled with WASes and HADs.

So far, I’ve purged about 80% of them without needing to resort to grammar gymnastics (I made a game out of it), and I like the results.   I like how my paragraphs come alive, and how the useless ‘extra’ words become immediately obvious.

So give it a try.  Was, were, has, had, and their contractions can leave your prose flat and unappetizing.  See what happens when you find a way to say the same thing using active verbs (actually, ANY other verbs).  I bet you’ll like your results, too.

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It’s About Time…Travel!

FR-Timestreams-ebook-cover-e1375815894720

It’s here! Fiction River: Time Streams is now available through Amazon, Kindle, Smashwords, and your other favorite book sellers.  My story, Love in the Time of Dust and Venom is in there, and I am as proud as can be to be in the company of such great writers for my first pro sale. Dean Wesley Smith and Kristine Kathryn Rusch have put together an astonishingly good anthology magazine, and I am thrilled and honored to be part of it. All the stories are about time travel, so order your copy today and fasten your seatbelt for the best stay-cation ever!

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